Monday, August 28, 2017

Mac Attack Chapter 7- An Open Love Letter to Apple

As originally posted on my FB page:

To all of you who followed my #hackedmac saga closely, not so closely or not at all, here is the final chapter you've all (okay maybe not all) have been waiting for. This is the epilogue to the #hackedmac saga, My Open Love Letter to Apple. BTW, for those of you who were wondering my Mom is doing great! She's already feeling like herself again and should make a full recovery in no time. Thanks again to all who sent positive vibes our way. Now onto the Epilogue!
Dear Apple
I'm not sure where to begin. It seems like we've been through so much these last couple of weeks or so, it's hard to remember how we got here. Oh yes, i remember now. You created a super massive black hole-sized gateway for someone to hijack my computer for a 50 Bitcoin-Sized ransom and then forced me to jump through half a dozen hoops to regain control of my own #hackedmac. Now it's all coming back to me...
First, let me start by saying, i'm sorry. In light of all of the negative energy being exuded by the orange-colored jack@ss now #occupyingthe White House and his seemingly unflappable supporters, it forces me to ask myself "have i contributed in someway to this travesty of negativity with my weeklong rant about you and your shortcomings?" Naaaaahhhhh, you would have been inadequate regardless and if anything i'm only balancing the scales. You've caused far more harm to the good will of men (and women) than i ever could so like you, i accept no responsibility for my actions. All the same, i #applelogize for any discomfort i've already caused you and for the continuation of that discomfort forthcoming.
My good friend and former Apple employee suggested i write you a complaint detailing from start to finish all of your shortcomings. Even though he recommended i write this FYEO, i figured since our dispute has already been so public might as well finish it in public. Given your penchant for secrecy, at least one of us should be transparent! BTW, you should rehire my friend immediately and promote him to SVP of Giving a Sh!t since he seemed to be the only person i spoke to with ties to Apple who did. I digress...
I did learn some lessons throughout this process you call "Apple Care" i'd like to share with you at this time that i hope will make you rethink the wisdom of calling your in-store support the "Genius Bar". First, don't EVER trust the first person you speak to in "Apple Care". They're obviously clueless and misinformed. Secondly, don't EVER trust the second person you speak to in "Apple Care". They're obviously clueless and misinformed. Thirdly, don't EVER trust the third person you speak to in "Apple Care"... well you get the point.
I also learned that proof of ownership is like a doctor's note from God. If you don't have one, you're #shitouttaluck. Oh you have a valid government-issued ID used by the entire civilized world to verify your identity? NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
I learned that Apple stores are designed to drive an anvil mad. Don't EVER go there!
I learned that there's a The Cheesecake Factory at West Town Mall. #unintendedbenefits.
I learned that backing up your data is like the 2nd coming of Jesus. It's your saviour and any non-believers are doomed to an eternity of misery and suffering.
Lastly and most importantly, i learned that i can live without you. Now that i know this, you will NEVER control my life or my business again!
In closing, i just want to say thank you. Thank you for showing me that my life doesn't revolve around you. 
Signed,
Your #1 #fanemy

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